My Life

Sometimes I have to remind myself why I am doing this. Why am I getting a degree can't I just settle and work some craptastic job for the rest of my life? If I hadn't already worked a really really crappy job I might be more tempted to just throw in the towel and give up on this dream, but I just can't. When the decision was initially made I knew what I was giving up and it was A LOT, but I knew that my short term loss would be very insignificant to my long term gains. But still I sit here sometimes and just think man can't do it anymore. But then the day passes and I am still going. I will make it and in the end my life and family will be better for it.

There are other issues weighing on my mind, my weight. Ironic choice of words I suppose. I have not gained any weight past the point I was last year. Which is good, but I gained back most of the weight I lost. Which is bad. I can't stand it. What really sucks is I know what I am suppose to do. I have been a cheerleader to countless people and helped them lose weight. But when it comes to myself I just can't do it. I have always set date ultimatiums, for example I want to be this weight by this day(wedding) it didn't happen. It never happens....I guess it is my own fault, I am my own savatage. But I love food..who doesnt.

Family Searches

It is SUPER late right now. I got into searching for family stuff and lost track of time. It seems like that happens a lot when I go searching. I am still trying to find out just where my Grandma's Grandfather came from in Germany. I am worried that it will be a complete dead end. I have looked at comment departure ports from Germany to America and have come up with some and need to search the lists. But I saw something that I didn't like, some of the records for Bremen Germany were destroyed so it is likely that I will never know for sure where they came from. Grandma said that her grandfather had a cousin come over from Bremen Germany and that they lived there. So it is pretty likely that is where they came from. But I would like to have a concrete piece of evidence that says that. Grandma says she has always wanted to know where she came from as well. Maybe if I keep digging something will pop up.

James was looking up information on his family as well. His father's side of the family is pretty much a dead end and we know that since his grandfather escaped from Iran and moved to India there were really no documents to be kept so that is all we know and probably will ever know. But I guess that is made up for by James having a GG Grandfather on his mother's side who has a lake named after him. Lake Mead was named after him because he designed or engineered Hoover dam. He also did the same with Coulee Dam. He was apparently very good at what he did as he was invited to come live in Australia to work for them. It is pretty easy to find information on this side as everyone that has a tiny tie to him wants to claim relations. So we don't have much digging to do with that. We didn't really realize how "important" this man was. I mean we know Hoover Dam which was cool. But I guess there was a lot more about him. He even has a street named for him in Nevada so that is kind of cool. Someone in the Mead clan has traced the history back to the 1600's. James and I are not sure where he parts off from this information or how far he goes back with it, but with little effort I am sure we will find that out.

Out You Go!!

I think I had a theme for this blog place probably something to do with losing weight. I have other blogs but this one is much more private and I can be more open. I am just getting into one of my moods again I guess. I look in the mirror and think WHO the heck are you? The person I see on the outside is no who I am inside. I try and I try and I try some more but honestly all this trying to lose weight isn't getting me anywhere. I feel like a hamster in a wheel or something although if i was a hamster in a wheel I would be much thinner. I am sick of trying honestly. Plain sick of it. I have all these temptations around me fast food, delicious restaurants and all this junk food. I know BETTER I honestly know better than to eat the crap I do but I just do it. I would imagine it is similar to a drug addict or something. I know not to do these things but I do them anyway.

I have been working out with my rowing machine which I really like but I know this to will pass. For some reason of all the things I do I continually fail at losing weight. The only thing I have succeeded in was NOT gaining any weight. Woohoo go me right?!?! NOT!!

My husband knows my struggles and he tries to help. Which is nice I like that but I think I need to kick this all up a notch. We want to eventually have a baby but there is NO way I will have a baby at my size. I mean yes I can get pregnant and have a baby but I don't WANT to because with the amount of weight you put on when your pregnant that would put me in a weight bracket I would not be happy to be in. So I guess it is just that much more important to me to lose some weight.

I need a weight loss friend someone to lean on. But they never work out. I always am their cheerleader but then something happens and I can't focus on myself. Blah blah blah I am just rambling now.

I also feel really distant from my family. I always needed to have family around so it makes it that much worse when they are not. I don't have many family so the ones I do have it really hurts when they become distant. I like to pretend it doesn't bother me but it does. I am a really sensitive person and sorry to say but that kinda shit just bothers me. Whatever lkdsfjllkdsfj

Happy Anniversary to US!!!!!

Well I can not even believe it has been a whole year already. Yeah that is right 08/08/08 has come and gone and now it is 08/08/09. It seems like such a quick passing of time. And for most of my favorites they know that my wedding day was a LONG time coming. There were so many different times we were going to get married but it just didn't work out until last year. Everything fell into place and we just went for it. It wasn't an expensive extravagant wedding. It was so completely us thought. We have been together 8 years now and married for one and I will just say that the last year has been the greatest year ever. I have to say my husband is to cute, at the stroke of midnight he pulled me aside and took off our wedding rings so he could recite his vows to me again. It was so cute and at the end he said see and I wasn't even nervous this time. LOL. I love him so much he is just such a goofy guy. He is my very best friend in the whole wide world. He knows everything about me and I know everything about him. So here is to many more years together.

Happy Anniversary James!!!

I LOVE YOU!!!

"Don't ever give up on a dream due to the amount of time it takes to achieve it....the time will pass anyway."

I need to get with it!

I swear this happens every time. I get really motivated to lose weight and get in shape and then I simply just kinda stop a few weeks later. It is kind of annoying. I don't know what I need to do to keep myself motivated. I can't seem to find any exercise that doesn't bore me. I did water aerobics and that was fun and so was yoga. But with school being out for the summer that is out. I don't think joining a gym would work out. Because I have had a gym membership before and that didn't workout because everytime I would go I would end up sick..THANK to the die hard workout fanatics who workout when your sick and then don't wipe the machines down. Plus it is completely out of the budget. I had great success with the Wii 1 hour a day and I was dropping weight like no other. But that got boring to after a few months. I guess I am going to have to just buckle down and keep going. I know what works I just need to make myself do it.

My green thumb....sort of

I decided this year to attempt to grow some veggies. I planted 3 tomato plants some broccoli and lettuce. Well I was convinced I killed the Tomatoes because I moved them outside and it got super cold here. They turned yellow and I was like well crap. So I took extra good care of them and they slowly started to grow some new green leaves. Today I went out and checked on them and there are 2 little green tomatoes...I am so happy. I never was able to grow things in the past I would just kill them lol. But this might be a turning point. We haven't had the best weather out here we managed to kill all the flowers and the lilacs. It got really warm really soon and then got really cold and they are all gone. Blast this weather I love my lilac tree. This thing is like 15 feet high and has been here for 20+ years. So wish me luck on getting some more maters. lol

Minus 2 Pounds

Yahhhhhhh!! I was beginning to feel like utter crap that I couldn't lose any weight. But I got my calorie amount worked out and did some workouts and managed to lose 2 lbs this week. So I will take it.

I am not happy that I am having to be happy about these 2 lbs because I have already lost them at one point. I ended up gaining back about 8 of the pounds I lost out of 20 so like I said these 2 lbs have already been lost before. But at least I have lost them right.

In my other diary we are doing a weight loss challenge. Today we were suppose to find a picture that was motivating to us. After much looking on the internet I was able to find someone that I felt like had a healthy body image.

See this link for more information from this picture yoga

YUMMMMMY Fruit Trifle

Fruit Trifle YUMMY

I may have posted this last year but I don't remember. I have no idea how many calories are in this or anything like that. I like it so I am posting the recipe for anyone that wants it. I do use all sugar-free stuff even the angel food cake because James can't eat sugar.

1 medium sized Angel food cake

Any fruits that you like( I use strawberries and blueberries)

vanilla pudding( I use 2 boxes)

Whipped Topping(if you like)

Cut, rip, tear the cake into bite size pieces. Layer them on the bottom of your dish. Then put a layer of pudding. Then a layer of fruit. Repeat these steps until all ingredients are used or your bowl is full lol. Top with Whipped Topping and fruit.

I Feel like YUCK!!!!

Sometimes I have days were I just feel shitty. Not really like emotionally or mentally. I can't really explain it but I get a look in a mirror and just feel gross. Or when I step on the scale and it tells me I have gained weight despite my best or at least half assed efforts.

I don't like admitting it but I know that I don't eat the most healthy food. I have an issues turning down fries and diet soda. Though I don't like fries. When it comes to a fast food meal I could take them or leave them. So I thought well if I can take them or leave them why not just leave them cut them out for good. And you know what happened...I stopped eating fries and I stopped drinking any type of soda...I lost 10 pounds I was down to the lowest I had seen in years. Then for some stupid reason I started eating those foods again. Why?! I have no clue. But I gained back what I had lost.

Today is a day I feel gross or disgusting. Am I the biggest person in the world..no not by a long shot. Is this the body I want forever HELL NO! I hate that I don't like to be in pictures. I don't want my whole life to be wasted hiding from the camera.

People say wow you look thinner. Well I know that the scale says I have gained weight but I suppose that my inches have gone down a bit. But you know what I still look in the mirror and just want to go wow what the heck. Why did I let myself get to this point. Why at some point along the road didn't I slam the heck on the breaks throw it in reverse and get back to a healthy weight. I need major support but I don't have the money for meetings and the people I tend to lean on either fall off the wagon or don't care as much as I do. Or worse yet I end up being their biggest cheerleader and they lose 40lbs and I am still stuck.

blkfjalkfjkafjkd that about somes it up.

Outdoor Adventure..Picture heavy

We took a little drive up to the Great Mt St Helens. It was a lot of fun. James took me up to show me a cave that he had seen a while ago when he was in college. The caves up there are formed from lava tubes. Very interesting. When you walk on the ground it sounds hollow. We didn't go in the caves this time because we weren't prepared. The one cave Lake Cave seemed a bit scary cause it was basically a hole in the ground with some other rooms. We didn't go in. I have a link of pictures of the interior of the cave from someone else website. Lake Cave.

It was really fun. Some of the roads were still closed because of to much snow. But we were really close to the base of MT ST Helens.

James at the entrance to Lake Cave

Lake Cave Entrance
Lake Cave..looks like a giant hole in the ground.
Tree Molds
Inside Lake Cave
Down in Ape Cave
Looking Down into the Entrance of Ape Cave
Grist Mill since 1876

Being Healthy isn't Cheap

It is amazing how much healthy food cost. Not just in a grocery store but at restaurants and fast food places as well. You wonder why the country is becoming bigger and bigger...it is so easy. If you have to get a quick bite to eat and haven't planned ahead you might swing into the fast food place. They are not lacking when it comes to healthy choices: salads, milk, fruit, grilled chicken. However these items are usually more expensive or come with no extras' like say a drink. You know I love going and getting a nice big salad but you know what I don't like is when it comes with a drink!!!(sarcasm) I think they should make it wallet friendly to eat healthy. What about really cool incentives to choose the better foods. Maybe if you buy so many of a certain healthy food you get something else health related. I don't know but seriously could you include a FRICKEN water or maybe a nice tea with my salad. I mean come on you are already charging me an arm and a leg for it throw it in.

As for groceries I have a major complaint I wanted a Red Pepper and they were charging me 2$ for one stinkin' pepper. Yet the green pepper was only 50 cents. Just let me be healthy and not have to mortgage my house to do it. That is all I ask. Sure I can plant a garden. But honestly I am so not good with that I would pitty any garden that I tried to raise. I am killing my tomatoes for goodness sake. I am terrible. I have thought about...only briefly mind you sneeking into my neighbors yard and stealing some yummy veggies. Alas, this would be wrong and I won't do it. Booo having morals. :P

Yoga

I have said it a million times but I just love yoga. There are many different types and skill levels. I like simple yoga and then gentle meditation type yoga. I am no where near skilled enough to stand on my head lol. I always feel 100% calm and relaxed and better about myself and the world when I come out of class.

The wall to wall mirrors in this class are not my favorite thing however. I do most of my yoga with my eyes closed it is just easier for me to be calm and relax that way. Well occasionally I will open my eyes and in doing this I saw...well I saw myself. Which is not something I want to see. I really don't like that my body is my representation to the world. Because on the inside I am not a fat blob who looks unhealthy. Inside I am a funny, healthy, athlete but these are not the things that the world see when they look at me. This makes me really sad. I think that is why this is so important to me I want my outside body to match my inside body.

Today while I was driving I was thinking about the things that I should be eating. It seemed to have just clicked. I don't need to try to make a gourmet meal I need to feed myself to keep healthy. It would be perfectly acceptable to have fruits and veggies for lunch. Food I think has always been my downfall. When it comes to getting healthy my taste buds are my downfall. I love food. It tastes so good. I think that for to long healthy food has been portrayed as tasteless food. But honestly some of the best food I have ever tasted was grown out of a garden. I love fresh Tomatoes out of my Grandma's garden they taste about 100x different then the stuff bought at the store...this gives me an idea I need to go to the farmers market and by local produce.

I can't wait until my nutrition class starts this summer. I look forward to sharing all my information on here.

Weight Loss on a Budget Plan

Well today was a good day. I had my water aerobics class this morning. It was marvelous the teacher is a great teacher. I hope that I am able to get into her class again. So I walked into the locker room today and someone said that they thought I looked thinner. I was really happy to hear that but at the same time it is hard to believe. I have only lost maybe 2 lbs since starting this class. In fact after about 2 weeks of doing the class I had gained about 3-4 lbs and only now am I back to just a bit below where I started. I do know that I lost some inches because I took measurements the first day and then again a month later. I should post those up here eventually. It is nice to know that I am losing something. I mean if the inches are coming off the weight will to...eventually. It is just frustrating.

So as I was doing my vigorous exercise class today I found myself drifting into thought...which is not hard for me to do..probably why I can't sleep at night very well. But I digress anyway I was thinking to myself amid the ankle touches and cross-country skiing(water class terms). That I would love to sign up for another water aerobics class this summer. This would have to be at one of the few public pools in the area. So then I decided that I didn't really have the extra money to be throwing around for that this summer. Then I thought about going to the lake near where I live that has a FREE swimming area and just doing my swimming and some workout there...I am not sure the lifeguard would be to pleased with me splashing about though. So this obviously lead me to my next thought...

Weight Loss on a Budget..

I am so sick of searching around and finding the only answers people seem to have about losing weight is to spend money. Buy a gym membership, buy this and buy that. Well I decided that this summer I am going to devote to losing weight with very little funds. I will not be joining a gym or paying for exercise from the local pools. I will do things that are free or cheap(maybe they require gas to go hiking out in the Gorge.) I have come up with cardio: Swimming(free lake), bike riding, walking/jogging, backyard obstacles( no matter how crazy I look.) I will use weights that I already have for strength training and if I need heavier I will use water bottles. I am really excited to see what I can do. I would love to be able to motivate other people that think you need expensive things to lose weight. I know that 90% of people already know that you don't need all that stuff but sometimes we need a reminder.

As far as food goes I have decided that I am going to try to eat more foods that are healthy: Lean meats, veggies, fruits, nuts, and dairy. I am going to cut out the fast food and processed food it is just garbage.

I guess that is it for today. I will be posting progress pictures from last year to present time and I did my video blog yesterday but that is private and only available to view on invite only. So maybe once I feel more comfortable I will make that public as well.

The New Beginning.

I don't really understand why it was so hard for me to start this. I am devoting this blog here to my weight loss progress. I have a regular blog at another site that I update, however I wanted to make something separate and completely different from that to track my journey. I think the reason that this is so difficult is I am really afraid of failing. I have been trying to lose weight for years. I wasn't over weight until a year after high school. I suppose I was a bit in denial up until about 4 years ago over the whole weight gain thing. I have sense then been "trying" to lose weight. I feel like I haven't been trying my hardest though. I will do great for about 2 months and then life gets in the way and I slack off. Then I will start over again a few months later. As of last August I have managed to lose and keep off about 20lbs. I just feel like I need to stick to it and finally finish this. I am not a total idiot when it comes to weight loss. I know all the fine details that one should know to lose weight. In fact I have helped multiple people lose weight. Somehow I just can't help myself.

I have around 50 lbs that I need to lose. I want to lose weight so I feel better about myself. I have never loved my body..not even when I was 15 and weighed 110 lbs and worked out everyday. It all goes back to 2nd grade. I was taller than all my friends and this in my mind always made me feel like I was fatter then they were. There was a time in 7th and 8th grade that I would hardly ever eat. I had braces and was paranoid of getting food stuck in my braces so I would skip lunch and I never would eat breakfast. I also was on the basketball team at this time so I was working out. It wasn't intentional to not eat but just a stupid teenage mistake. I think that is something that directly contributed to my weight problems today. So with that being said I refuse to converse with anyone who honestly thinks these things are healthy.

I love healthy and fitness despite the way I have let myself go. I love hiking, biking, and swimming. I love learning all I can learn about health. I am currently in college pursuing a degree which I put off when I was younger.

Here are some of my stats:

Height: 5'5
Weight : 226
Exercise: I don't limit myself to one type of exercise because I will get very bored.
Food: I count calories for the most part, this seems to be what works for me.